01. THe MoRNiNG

      Every morning i get up and it's the same thing. I flip on the radio, and Marilyn Manson comes jutting thru the speakers. I walk to the bowl, take a piss and a shit. Stand in front of the mirror and check my breasts for those fucking little bumps, then take a shower. Unless i'm in my periods, then for some gory reason i take a bath. Go figure. Some of my friends say i'm living the good life, but you try using the bathroom when your living with three other people.

      Syl's my lover, and a junky (all simultaneously), she's had meals consisting only of heroin, mesc and mushrooms. And even when she's not on anything, she's still high. Most of the time she doesn't have any money for the bloody rent, so we fuck and i let her stay another month. I don't complain much coz she's the best fuck i get to have, but money would be more appreciated. I hate working my butt off just to go down on hers.

      Mikey got some fucking fascination with big guns and Pink Floyd. He sleeps with a revolver under his pillow and i think he's hiding a shotgun in the closet. Other then that he's a really responsible guy, just a little weird. We've sat and had long discussions with one another, while we were both fried on cannabis. He's got a few screws loose. He told me he was in the military and got kicked out for accidentally shooting a guy up the ass. When i asked how it happened he told me that the guy wanted to get sodomized with a gun, and he got so horny he pulled the trigger. Talk about shooting a hot load up someone's ass.

      And last of all is Sam(antha), he's a guy some of the time, but he should have been born a she and he knows it. Sam's is not a gay transvestite, she's a womyn who sometimes dresses as a man. If i haven't confused you yet, then you're smarter then i am coz i'm already confused. Anyhow Sam's kind of cool, she let's me wear her clothes sometimes, we're about the same size. I've seen her naked and she's a great looking man, well hung, but i guess you can't have everything.

      Oh, you probably want to know who i am, hum, that's going to be harder. Well i'm six and a half feet tall, and i've got a body that most men would kill for, well except for the breasts and the cunt. Am i a lesbian? No, i'm the postergyrl for dykes. I have tattoos and body piercing in places that make some people squeamish. Strange as it seems, with my so unfeminine body, there are still men who want me. There's one in particular, Andi, who's been trying to sleep with me for six years now. And he's gay! By the way my name is Kris, for those of you who didn't know me.

      Do you know what morning sickness is? I find out every morning and i'm not pregnant. All you have to do to get morning sickness is walk into my kitchen every morning. There are these creatures that crawl from the sink, i think they're maggots but i've never asked them. On the table there are usually six or seven ashtrays overfilled with butts and on occasion a soup bowl filled with vomit. My fridge's got more demons then hell. I can't even open it without dry-heaving. I've smelled some cunts that come close, but even they weren't as nauseous. Talking about cunts, i'm proud of my stink. No gyrl has ever complained. Back to the kitchen...wait this's my favourite track...sorry about that, where was i, the kitchen yeah thanks. Never walk barefoot in my kitchen unless you've got a deathwish or no feeling in your feet. Either way you'll probably suffer from something bad, there are things on that floor that scare me and i'm over 200 pounds of muscle. They move and creep and bite. Ich.

02. wHeRe dOeS dhe bODY e:ND?

      My body's a question that's on the mind of most people. It seems they have a hard time of understanding why a person can be so masculine and still have tits and a cunt. I like my body, and i'm not ashamed of exposing it. If i were a guy, i'd probably be effeminate, instead of unfeminine. But lets get off this subject coz i'm getting tired of the S.O.S.

      Last night i got up to the sounds of fucking, generally i don't mind waking up to such noises, but preferably when it's happening to me and not Sam. It really wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such a screamer. Whatever it was, he was having the time of his life. I even gave myself some satisfaction. Well as you probably figured i don't get much action. Not coz of the way i look, simply coz i don't go looking. I don't want to end up with any housewife. I'm one of those butches who enjoys someone like myself. Only problem is that i'm unique. Not many people out there who fit my tastes, and the only one that i found was a GUY!

      It's, i think, the way i was born. My brother, yes i have a brother, he's kind of my twin, we look exactly the same except for obvious differences. But in the dark we could pass off for each other, unless i spoke; my voice is cleaner and more banshee like; his come from the necropolis in the pit of his stomach. Oh yeah something else, we were born in the South, you might not hear my accent over this form of communication but i really am. I came from a bizarre mutation of the Jewish fucking religion (hey i'm not anti-jewish, i'm anti-religion) [fuck religion, fuck politics, fuck the lot of you]. Don't get me wrong, i love being Jewish, especially a Jewish dyke. Nuff said. Me and my brother we're both homos, well he's bi. Or as they say in the South, "The Gods Of Fuck." My parents were expecting twin boys, kind of a Cain and Abel, guess who Cain was. They blame my existence on my uncles' debauchery. Though i think it's coz they had a name prepared for me, Kristopher.

      In high school i had lots of fun, my cousin Julie and i used to terrorize the men. And yes all cousins do fuck in the South. She wasn't a dyke, she just hated men. Most men don't see the difference, so for you guys i'll explain: a dyke is a butch gyrl who fucks other cunts, and a gyrl like Julie is a gyrl who generally ends up raping you big masculine types and since you're too macho to admit to being raped, these gyrlz get away with it. We used to have fun, walking in the boys changing room after gym and laughing at their puny testicles, and if they'd try anything we'd beat the shit out of them. Nuff said. Julie was eventually kicked out of high school for smashing some guys face in a locker, it took nearly 12 stitches to put his face back on. In her defense, she had the right, he called her a whore, so guys if you call a gyrl a whore she'd better have given you permission.

      After high school Julie started dating Jim, this freak with long hair and a taste for blood. And they say i'm weird. I got my first mohawk, and got myself kicked out of my house. My brother too. My brother started listening to Bauhaus and Sisters while i was listening to Pigfuck, Skinned Sheep, and The Leftovers; bands who never seemed to get recognized. I lived happily, but nomadically for over six years, only to finally set down in Montreal of all places, go figure. And here i am telling all this shit to you. You're probably bored to hell right now and trying to understand why i'm doing all this shit, keep your fucking pants on.

03. tHAt tIME oF tHE mONtH

      Well it's that time of the month again, got to pay my rent. If you thought i was talking about my periods then go read something by Andi Valcic. I've got to pay my rent, that means i've got to ask everyone for cash. Mike'll pay for sure, Sam generally has the cash, but it's Syl i'm worrying about. Let's go see if she's here.

      Great! Now lets see if she's "here". Bullshit! Braindead cunt. What the fuck am i going to do with this. She's got to learn a lesson but i'm still horny. I'm horny 3 days out of the week, and pissed the other 4. "Syl wake the fuck up you bloody cunt." I'm truly annoyed with this bitch. If i didn't love her so much i'd kick her out. Well at least she's alive. Hooray for life. Maybe i'll buy a choker and drag her around Montreal, turn her into a live act, i don't think she'd really mind much. Have you ever had sex with a drugged up individual? Let's just say that it's one hell of an event. Maybe even an Olympic event.

      While she stares through the endless barriers of space and time i'll tell you a story of my friend Andi. You see Andi is a smart kid, though he generally disagrees with me. He's possessed by his own ideologies of his demise. Talk about living life positively. He's positively sure he's going to die by the time of his 30th birthday. Anyway, he's a great guy, i kind of love him i guess, something about his personality attracts me, though i don't think of him as a sexual creature. Actually i think he's still a virgin, but i really don't understand how he can stand it. If i go more then a week without sex i get kind of violent. Andi's got a crush on me, and i won't even try to talk him out of it, like i said he's got a cute personality. Where am i going with this? ...oh fuck it, she's awake.

      "Syl, where's my money? Don't even try to explain!" I told you she doesn't have it again. "Someone get the FUCKING door. Sam...Mike...GET THE FUCKING DOOR, shit. Who the fuck could this be again? Jeez, doesn't ANYONE KNOW HOW TO OPEN A FUCKING DOOR. This is what modern society is all about: computers are easy, doors are difficult. They've got to get a real womyn do it."

      "Donald! Darling. Kiss, kiss gyrl. How are you? Come on in. Long time no see. Got any money for me. Fuck you. No don't give it to her, she still owes me rent. Give me the money now or i beat your face till it looks like what i'm going to do your cock. Thank you. Want a seat? Oh you have to get your stuff. What you buying today? Yes that is a tape recorder. No it isn't for the pigs, it's for my novel."

      "Hello. Hello. Testing one, two, three. Anyone in there."

      "Get the fuck away from my machine. You might crush it with your majestic clit. Listen most men i know use that finger to massage their prostates permanently. Don't you dare get sarcastic with me. Listen, as i am the postergyrl for Dykedom, and i will beat your faggot ass to the ground if you don't shut up. Here's your hash, now get out."

      Don't you think more people would be afraid of me? I was arrested last week for pummelling some skinheads rib-cage. Took out three of them and smashed up an undercover cop by accident. Got off on a technicality though, but pigs have been giving me shit since. Not like punks don't get enough shit. Just coz i wear 20-hole docs, an old TANKGyrl tank-top, got a mohawk, green hair, and more metal then Venom, it doesn't mean i should get smashed over the head by a pig with attitude. If i could, i'd hold 'Grease The Pigs Day' every month. Where me and other punks and underground freaks could chase pigs and cover them in KY. They'd certainly enjoy it. "We're here, we're queer, and so are some of you!" You got to think those ugly chick pigs would love to see those men, naked and covered in beautiful KY. But i can dream. I'm going to get in some shit for this idea, but then you should hear what i want to do with the Jewz, Krystians, and all the other religious nuts.

      "Syl, give me my money you whore." Guess what, i've got to go now, i'll be back later.

04. nO.1 $HOULD cUM b:et,ween u$

      Mon amour, as they say here in Quebec, is Syl. She quite a cunt, no seriously. We're only-still together for the sex. I hate her fucking drug habit, i've even tried telling her about this, but she stares at me with empty eyes and goes "I don't have a problem," yeah and i'm straight. Only two things have ever dared get in the way of our 'relationship', drugs and cash. But cash is also why we have a relationship.

      Syl is a very bad prostitute, i'm her only client. Damn whore. I keep getting suckered in to sucking her. Let's see, how did we meet...I was performing on stage with my original band, COPROPHAGY, no it wasn't a death band, more like hardcore euro-punk. She was in the pit, crashing into all these mother-fucking ugly punk boys. Something about her eyes caught my attention and i wanted to sit on that face. I took a plunge off the stage and started kissing her on the floor. She looked so sweet with the sweat and blood on her face. We made fucked that night, in my apartment of course. Not that i couldn't have fucked her there on the floor, but all those mushed brained punks drooling were enough to make me retch.

      That's how it started, she's been here now for four out of the five months that i've been around. She lasted longer than the band. And the simple truth is i don't want to lose her. Now i may sound totally whacked out, but she's more than a fuck, she's an experience. My brother thinks i've gone loco, maybe i drank down too much of her sweet nectar.

      Listen i got to go clean up her barf now, but i'll be back in a few short minutes after i put her back to bed. Then we'll change subjects.

05. kARkNAL kNOLEDGE

      I've got a new band now, we call ourselves karknal knoledge, how's that for original. We play mostly hardcore, and the occasional Ska track, but the pigs and the bars think we're skins. Just coz of the kkk in the title. Let me tell you it's there for a reason, those minuscule "k"'s represent our beliefs in the kkk movement. Do want to know what kkk means: Kult of Kocksucking Kowerdz, and the minuscule "k"'s represent their minuscule Kocks.

      You might think i hate skinheads, no i love them. They make great punching bags, too bad there isn't more in Quebec, so i could really start having fun. Why the attitude? Koz i'm a homo? No, it's koz they raped my kousin Julie. I don't like small homophobik kweenz raping my family. I grew up in the South, their territory. My grandfather was hung by the kkk, and my grand-mother's sister and brother died in Germany. Now i know my family means shit to me, koz they're just as homophobik, but the skins and the Hitler youths need to be fukked in the ass with a needle full of 98% pure heroin. Nuff said.

      Back to the band, well there's D.Q. on guitars; Ivan on keyboards; Syl, or when she's too fucked (which is most of the bloody time), Simon, on guitars; Geoffrey on drums; then there's Isabelle, Diane, Larry Long Foot, and Angelo who come in on occasion and fill in the horn section; then there's me, i'm the lungs and the bass.

      Let's start with D.Q. This is an interesting fellow, he got is life started by playing in a Smashing Pumpkins cover band, until his gyrlfriend committed suicide. He's got more pain in his finger than Syl has drugs in her body, except he never shows it. I like him, he's quiet calm, and a genius. Last week he figured out i was a dyke.

      I know why his gyrlfriend committed suicide. He wouldn't sleep with her. Boys can be confusing sometimes. He told me he used to go to the 'lavatory' and jack off before going to bed with her. What did he phantasize about? Her! He was fucking scared that she'd laugh at him since he was a virgin, how's that for smarts. Who do you think is laughing now?

"Who's laughing now?"

      Ivan's like Mr.Lifto. He can do many strange things with his dick. He straps his dick even if he ain't a drag. Actually he's kind of sick. His boyfriend, ran a needle through his cock. I thought i was fucked up. Mr.Lifto jr.'s got some serious mental problems. He gets on stage with his cock strapped in his ass and the front of his pants are open to expose his crotchlessness. And get this, that's how he fucking met his lover. Well we all can't be normal.

      Simon's an ex-Goth, still dresses that way, he's just too depressed to give a fuck about the music, so he's playing punk. Simon's about 35. He's old, ugly and gay. He fucks little children in his basement and keeps their cum in a jar in his fridge. I'm not bloody lying...

      Geoffrey, who's real name is Steve, go figure, loves reggae so much that it is his religion to smoke pot and listen to Bob Marley every day for the rest of his life. Just so he can understand the music, no wonder he doesn't move much. I like his drumming, but he's an asshole off the stage. Always coming up to me with "Come on Krissy (Krissy? Krissy? Who the fuck does he think he is? Hézuss fucking Kryst? My name is Kris, or even Kristina, but never Krissy. I ain't a bitch.), just one, come on, i know you like the stuff." I like pot and hash, just not with him. I'd rather eat dogshit, then smoke his shit. Plus he probably wants to fuck me. No guy can resist my charms.

      The horn section is full of horny sons of bitches. Bel, Die, Llaff, & Angle are a bunch of turds. The only reason i keep them around is coz their cheep. And that's good coz i ain't got the fucking cash to pay for good musicians. They ain't that bad, just they're all screwing each other. An orgy of horny horns. Isabelle and Diane are kind of cool. I slept with Diane, ich. I slept with Isabelle, a little better. Larry is Isabelle's boyfriend, and he's also Angelo's brother. Now i'm not against two brothers going at it. Actually, when i was younger, i experimented with my brother. But these two are covered in crabs. I mean, you can walk up to Angle, pull down his fucking pants and a crab, about 5 inches long (6 inches longer than his cock), will jump out and fly across the room. And fuck, he's got at least a thousand more. And i can't even imagine how he goes down on Die, i don't even think she washes. Kryst, her panties had fresh blood stains on them. Listen, i've known guys who had crusty underwear, and that's normal, they're men, they're supposed to be dirty. But Die had more crust on her clit then...then anything. I didn't even dare look at her ass, but i could smell it.